These are two excerpts taken directly from my journal. I can think of no better way to express my love for my Savior than sharing my emotions in the rawest of forms.
August 20:
“I am a ticking time bomb and the countdown has just begun. My future looks bleak. I feel like someone has ripped the rug out from underneath my feet and I am just beginning the long fall to the ground. How much longer will I be able to hold this pen, run or walk without a cane, play with my children...swallow my food? The thought of my body attacking my brain makes me want to scream. The type of scream that begins in my toes and works its way up until I can no longer keep it inside. My brain is under siege, and it is going to lose. Soon the battle wounds will leave my brain riddled with scars and leave my life...who knows where?!?! I am too young for this to happen. I have just begun my life. How will my children feel when they are asked to care for their mother? How will my husband feel when his wife can no longer be a wife? I am scared. I feel so lost. How could this happen?”
December 7:
“I thought today as I sat in Relief Society, 'Why am I not more freaked out about this whole mess?' Seriously. I should be crawling under my bed and refusing to come out. Instead, while I am frightened, I am calm. Amazingly calm. The scripture came into my mind, “My load is easy and my burthen is light”...and I finally get it. I understand. I AM NOT ALONE. I have been given a terrible burden to bear in this life, but I do not carry it alone. As I have knelt in fervent prayer praying for help, when the never-ending tears have wet my pillow, in my darkest hour, I have felt His arms around me. I can never forget. My testimony of the atonement has been strengthened. I know Christ is helping me bear this burden. I can feel it and I am so thankful. I’ve always believed in the power of the atonement, but now I’m beginning to know it as well. I can truly say that without Christ in my life, I would be lost.”
August 20:
“I am a ticking time bomb and the countdown has just begun. My future looks bleak. I feel like someone has ripped the rug out from underneath my feet and I am just beginning the long fall to the ground. How much longer will I be able to hold this pen, run or walk without a cane, play with my children...swallow my food? The thought of my body attacking my brain makes me want to scream. The type of scream that begins in my toes and works its way up until I can no longer keep it inside. My brain is under siege, and it is going to lose. Soon the battle wounds will leave my brain riddled with scars and leave my life...who knows where?!?! I am too young for this to happen. I have just begun my life. How will my children feel when they are asked to care for their mother? How will my husband feel when his wife can no longer be a wife? I am scared. I feel so lost. How could this happen?”
December 7:
“I thought today as I sat in Relief Society, 'Why am I not more freaked out about this whole mess?' Seriously. I should be crawling under my bed and refusing to come out. Instead, while I am frightened, I am calm. Amazingly calm. The scripture came into my mind, “My load is easy and my burthen is light”...and I finally get it. I understand. I AM NOT ALONE. I have been given a terrible burden to bear in this life, but I do not carry it alone. As I have knelt in fervent prayer praying for help, when the never-ending tears have wet my pillow, in my darkest hour, I have felt His arms around me. I can never forget. My testimony of the atonement has been strengthened. I know Christ is helping me bear this burden. I can feel it and I am so thankful. I’ve always believed in the power of the atonement, but now I’m beginning to know it as well. I can truly say that without Christ in my life, I would be lost.”
Hi ME, I am so grateful that I stumbled upon your blog through our friend Tapper. I enjoy reading your blog and I love that you are so real about life. I also wanted you to know that I have been so touched by the things you have written this week. It makes me feel so sad that you have this illness. You are an such an amazing person! I feel so blessed to know you and I am so inspired by your faith and your testimony.
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